I’ve either had too much coffee this morning or not enough; I can’t tell which. Either way, this is a Miz Parker original. Enjoy.
BON JOVI VS. THE LANDLORD
911 Operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Landlord: I don’t know if it’s an emergency, per se…
911 Operator: What seems to be the trouble?
Landlord: Well, there’s this guy here.
911 Operator: What sort of guy?
Landlord: Well, he says he’s a cowboy.
911 Operator: A cowboy?
Landlord: Yes, a cowboy. He’s trying to rent an apartment from me. I’m a landlord, you see.
911 Operator: And what seems to be the problem?
Landlord: Well for starters, he showed up riding what appears to be some sort of….steel horse.
911 Operator: A steel horse? What do you mean, it’s a horse made of steel?
Landlord: Yes, it’s a horse made of steel. You should see my lobby! It’s completely destroyed…
911 Operator: Well, can you tell him to take the horse outside?
Landlord: I tried that, but he said he had the night on his side.
911 Operator: What….what the fuck does that mean?
Landlord: I don’t know, he’s making me very nervous.
911 Operator: Okay, I’m dispatching the police. Did the man do anything else?
Landlord: Well, he said that sometimes he sleeps, but sometimes not for days. I’m thinking meth junkie. He might be dangerous. He also said something about the bottle that he drinks…
911 Operator: Well, try not to antagonize him.
Landlord: Well, after I told him to take the horse outside, he threatened me.
911 Operator: Threatened you? What did he do?
Landlord: Well, he brandished what appeared to be some sort of a loaded six-string.
911 Operator: Dear God.
Landlord: Yes, he carried it on his back.
911 Operator: Did you try calming him down?
Landlord: Yes, but he threatened me again.
911 Operator: What did he say?
Landlord: He….said he would rock my face.
911 Operator: Rock your face?
Landlord: I think he’s done it before, to tell you the truth. He said he’d seen a million faces, and rocked them all.
911 Operator: Sir, just stay calm, the police will be there in a minute.
Landlord: Please hurry. I get the idea that this guy plays for keeps….