Why I Don’t Live in Wyoming


No offense to those of you who actually live in Wyoming. Really. And yes, I’ve been to Jackson Hole and Yellowstone and some of the comparatively more interesting parts. This was not one of those occasions.

So, some recent travels took me through, and I mean ALL the way through, southern Wyoming. Now, I’ve driven through Wyoming a time or two. My general strategy is to speed through as quickly I can with my eyes shut, so as not to accidentally absorb any of the actual scenery or culture. It has to be among the top three most boring places on the planet. Before I left, I was lamenting to a co-worker about having to drive through Wyoming. He said “Oh really? I’ve always thought Wyoming was interesting.” I said “Where do you live that you think Wyoming is interesting?” He hung his head and said “Kansas.” Turns out if you look up “boring as all hell” in the dictionary, there’s a picture of Kansas, and it says “See also: Wyoming.”

Now, as I passed through Wyoming, I saw a whole lot of nothing and the occasional dilapidated trailer park. I thought to myself, “What sort of person would voluntarily choose to live out here?” Conclusion: People who like to drink, fuck, and blow stuff up. As it turns out, you can’t get a cell phone signal, you probably can’t get roadside assistance, and you sure as shit can’t get a decent radio station, but by God, you can get porn, liquor, and fireworks. One place we passed in the middle of nowhere was a combination liquor and fireworks warehouse. Next door? An adult arcade. No shit. I’m not saying I don’t like to drink, fuck, and blow stuff up, but I’d rather do it in a place that doesn’t make me want to gouge my eyes out.

Betty Ann is the hottest sheep in three counties.

I’m also not kidding about the radio. Apparently, the extent of Wyoming’s airwave repertoire is country music, Jesus music, or if you’re reeeeeal lucky, country songs about Jesus. Best of both worlds, there.

Anywho, we were compelled to stop for gas and a restroom at a truck stop outside Laramie, Wyoming, where we encountered some of the dreaded locals. I hear they’re dangerous outside their native environments. As we had tragically run out of things to listen to in the car, I was on a mission to buy a CD from the truck stop, just to have something new. As I stood in front of the limited selection next to a good ol’ boy, I shook my head. He said “What?” I said “All country music.” He looked at me in confusion. “What do you mean?” Sigh. Yes, Virginia, there is more than one kind of music. After much perusing, I settled on the one CD they had in their collection which was not country: Giants of 80’s metal. I was expecting Ozzy and Motley Crue and got Great White and Mr. Big, but no matter. Mr. Big never struck me as a “Giant of Metal”, but that’s a whole other story.

I retreat from the building, which is astonishingly packed for this time of night, and pass on my way a great huge fat woman with a fistful of scratch-off lotto tickets. She had two children in tow, both in their PJs and fuzzy slippers and filthy. Classy. I retrieved my dogs (two pugs) from the car for a little break, and encountered an old man, who informed me that he would buy one of the dogs from me. I said that they weren’t for sale, and he said “I ain’t kiddin’. You can tie ‘im up to my bumper and I’ll take care of ‘im when I’m done in the bathroom.” Um, no. But thanks. This was only slightly more disturbing than the old man who drawled “Awwww, look at them two dawgs.”

Walking further, we encounter two women, one of whom is furiously smoking a cigarette. I say ‘furiously’ because she was sucking on that thing like it was paying her. Picture their accents a lot like Joy’s character from My Name Is Earl. My dogs, who think that everyone is their friend, immediately run up to these two women for kisses, so I am stuck talking to them.

Woman 1: Awww! They’re so cute! How old are they?
Me: 5 months.
Woman 1: Are they them Chihuahuas? (Which she pronounced Chuh-WAH-WAHs. Emphasis on the WAH.)
Me: No, pugs.
Woman 1: How old are they?
Me: Uhh…5 months.
Woman 1: Oh yeah, you said that, huh?
Me: Yeah.
Woman 2: I saw last week on that America’s Funniest Home Videos where they had two of them pugs in a bed.
Me: Ah…yeah?
Woman 1: Your dogs probably smell our dog.
Me: Oh? Where is your dog?

Whereupon the woman gestures towards her car that we are standing next to, and the dog inside is…. a Chihuahua.

Argh.

Advertisements

About Miz Parker

I'm a musician, writer, web developer and avid reader who maintains two blogs. For Bucket List Book Reviews (formerly Bucket List Media), my goal is to read and review each book on the popular list "1,001 Books to Read Before You Die." This blog is intended to chronicle my experiences and thoughts on each, and share opinions with other bibliophiles. Bucket List Media is a semi-serious blog which is appropriate for all ages. For Live At E's (see the menu), I rant in general about pop culture, life, celebrities, and current events. Live At E's contains foul language and is deliberately offensive. Turn on your sarcasm detector.
This entry was posted in Comedy, Crazy People, Humor, Life, Miz Parker Muses, Stupid People and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

75 Responses to Why I Don’t Live in Wyoming

  1. Pingback: Everything’s Better When You AdCock | Live at E's

  2. Jen says:

    Amen,
    I’m from Jersey and I STILL think Wyoming is a shit hole!

  3. Leslie says:

    I’m from Jersey too, and I’m happy to have lived in Wyoming for the last 38 years. If you don’t get off of I-80 I’m sure you think its a shithole. I’m so happy that they put that highway where they did, since it keeps most folks driving right on through. I live in Laramie, and know so many places to go where its just as beautiful as Rocky Mountain National Park, without all the people. You don’t have to make a reservation for a campsite and many places don’t charge either. Wyoming isn’t just about Jackson and Yellowstone, beautiful though they are. By the way, who do you think that you’re going to meet at a truck stop in the middle of the night? Wait for it….. TRUCKERS! I’m quite happy that you’re limited and sarcastic mind keeps you from experiencing the true Wyoming, keeps the population down. As a Jersey native, I find this especially appealing. Drive safely.

  4. WyomingGirl says:

    Uhm I do believe Wyoming is not full of idiots as you were saying. Now yes there are those few that aren’t very smart, but thats everywhere you go. In Wyoming, yes there is nothing to do in Wyoming, but we do not just fuck, drink, and blow things up. There are not very great radio stations, but they for sure aren’t all country and Christian. You can to get cell phone service it is just some places do not have towers around so you may not find service in that area. -From a Wyoming Person

  5. Humble Wyo Resident says:

    I know you’re making a joke. A safe one too, given the fact that you’re insulting the least amount of people possible by demeaning an entire state. And I know I shouldn’t take a joke so seriously. Where you were, Laramie, is the home to a very well received state university. In fact, there were probably more PhD’s within a 15 mile radius of you than country CDs in that truck stop.

    Thing is, I get this a lot in the south too, this kind of joke comes across as very hypocritical. You’re trying to portray a large number of people whom you’ve never met as ignorant and closed minded. See where I’m going with this? I just see it as weak comedy. You’re memory for regional dialect is pretty far off too.

    Next time you swing by Laramie, hit me up. I can show you some cool places.

    • Miz Parker says:

      While I appreciate your thoughtful and well-reasoned argument, I seriously doubt that there were more than 8K PhDs within fifteen miles of where I was. While I was impressed with the breadth of PhD programs that your university offers, there were only two graduates with one in 2012 that I could find. I’m not going to do the math, but if two per year is an average, those numbers do not bode well for your argument, even if we include professors and those who already have PhDs in Laramie. The dialect, while exaggerated, was accurate. Do I know that not all residents of your state are mouth-breathing idiots? Of course. Just like Ron White knows that all New Yorkers are not homosexuals with stupid haircuts, as he implies in his ‘tater salad’ story. Weak comedy? Perhaps. But when you said “I know I shouldn’t take a joke so seriously”, you hit the nail right on the head. Thanks for reading.

      • Humble Wyo Resident says:

        Haha, yeah 8,000 would be pushing the professor population! I know you’re just joshing around, but I just feel obligated to defend this state. I’m accustomed to people back home in NC legitimately asking me if people ride their horses to class. Now, if you were talking about North Carolina, your representation of their accent would be spot on!

  6. Kathleen says:

    LMFAO…This is one of the funniest commentaries on Wyoming I’ve read in a long time. My tummy hurts from laughing so hard and I had to wait a few minutes to write this comment because I couldn’t see the screen for a few minutes my eyes were so teared-up. Guess I am in the opposite camp from the “weak comedy” person. Most folks who live here would probably laugh just as hard as we tend to make the best jokes about ourselves. Wyoming has been my home for over 18 years now and I really do love it. Anyway, I needed a good laugh so thanks for your rant.

  7. Jess says:

    I do believe you are exaggerating a bit much. I’m from Wyoming, I agree some parts aren’t that great and some of the people are pricks but honestly that’s everywhere you go. Not all of the radio stations are Christian and Country, and we’re not all idiots. Seriously though, I know this is a “joke” and all but you’re coming off a bit of an ass.

    • Miz Parker says:

      This is actually not really exaggerated at all, as frightening as that seems. Nowhere did I say that everyone in Wyoming was an idiot. I just happened to run into one or two. They’re everywhere, and not just in Wyoming. What it’s turning out that many of you have in common is no sense of humor about where you live. However, no one would read a blog where the entries were “Recently, I traveled through Wyoming and found it somewhat unsophisticated, but I’m sure that the majority of the people who live there are very nice indeed.” 😉

  8. Durrrrrp says:

    Wyoming doesn’t have a state lottery. I wonder where that fat woman got her fistful of scratch off tickets?

  9. Elvis says:

    Funny thing, after living in Fort Collins and witnessing the inbred hillbilly morons drag their drunken inbred asses to Forrrt Cawwwwlins for a night o’ fun n budweiser…….we took it upon ourselves to start avenging Mathew Shepherds death upon those useless fucking hillbilly fucks. We even tied a few to fenceposts, in a jesus christ pose. So….bring your Laramie hillbilly ass to Colorado and see if we dont send you packing back across your border to your little inbred podunk fucktown, you crybaby hillbilly shit stompers.

  10. ... says:

    This made me laugh so hard because it is EXACTLY like this in our town in Wyoming. Its all just hicks and meth heads. And you also have to drive hours to get to any good store or populated areas. Sure the schools are better, But adolescent drug use is also a very big problem here, The drug community in Wyoming is very tight-knit and you can basically find anything anywhere. Most of the towns are like retirement towns. Nothing to do, rural for hours. Definitely not a place to bring a family unless you have lived under a rock or are contempt with them developing depression from the drab scenery and endless deprivation from the world.

    • Miz Parker says:

      I grew up in rural Idaho, and I can’t IMAGINE living some of the places I have driven through in Wyoming. Pretty bleak if you ask me! (Although I do concede that northern WY is very pretty.)

  11. Paul says:

    A fistful of scratch offs? Can’t buy those in Wyoming yet. Must have been in Colorado and just too stoned to realize.

  12. Norman Bates says:

    Wyo is not everyone’s up of tea. I know that for sure. When you are from here, though, you grow kind of attached to the place. We have this kind of unwritten rule about discouraging people from moving here. So it’s possible some of those people you encountered are actually employed by the state to keep fancy New Jersey types from getting any ideas about moving here. I admit that from the road, the scenery is pretty unimpressive. But off the road, there are some pretty amazing nooks and crannies to be found. If you are a history buff, there are tons of attractions. You can still walk in the original wagon ruts of the Oregon Trail. But if you don’t care for history, we have drinking, fucking and blowing things up. And, oh yeah, the Tetons.

  13. Sarah says:

    Bless this post and it’s accuracy. No one should defend Wyoming. There’s a reason it’s consistently in the top five states when it comes to highest rate of suicides. The two most popular “sports” here involve killing and torturing animals. It’s a miserable wasteland filled with closed-minded hicks. And the fact that it’s called the “equality state” is the biggest joke of all.

  14. Johnb568 says:

    I usually do not drop a comment, but I read a few ekbdaeceaddd

  15. kdg says:

    True Wyomingites don’t have accents. I’m not disagreeing with the fact your right about I80 I avoid it at all costs myself.

  16. m says:

    I lived in southern Wyoming for a little while and this is spot on

  17. Mary Smith says:

    What makes you such an expert, You sound like you are totally disgusted with life — a real cry baby. 😦 Do you think the people of Wyoming really care about what you have to say anyway????

  18. James Calhoun says:

    What a pissy whiny little baby you sound like. “Oh, whoa is me. I think Wyoming sucks even though the only place I stop is gas stations and rest stops when I go there.” No shit, these places suck anywhere you go. And if you can’t control your goddamn dogs enough to keep them away from strangers then it’s your own fault. What sort of people do you expect to find at a truck stop/gas station. I lived in the state for several years and it’s best quality is that it is not populated by east coast shitheads. This is the West, not Long Island. The golden rule still abides, we don’t care how much money you make or where you come from, or how many idiotic blogs you write. Sounds to me like people were trying to be friendly and start conversation, but you made assumptions on them based upon looks. If you don’t like the state, then GTFO and don’t return, no shit. Don’t bitch about people you haven’t even bothered to try and get to know, just because they are different.

  19. Kip Crosby says:

    What tripe this is. I’m ashamed this website is taking up space on the Internet. And the worst part is you are too weak to stand by your editorials. you can’t write garbage like this and then say”just kidding”, “this is sarcasm”,in all the comments. There is obviously truth to how you feel about Wyoming, nobody bothers to make observations like this unless they’ve put some thought into it and formed strong opinions. At minimum there is a large kernel of truth to it. That and you are obviously attempting to draw readers to an otherwise unremarkable life view. Grow a backbone and take responsibility for what you write or take this rubbish off the web.

    • Miz Parker says:

      I have no issues taking responsibility for anything. Yeah, there’s some truth to it. It’s not a made-up story. Don’t like it, don’t read it. Life is pretty short to get worked up over someone’s opinion on the internet.

  20. Melanie Lynx says:

    Good lord, don’t defend Wyoming! Don’t even suggest good parts exist. There are enough out-of-staters cluttering up the scenery already.

    Wyoming is a perfectly dreadful place. You don’t want to pause any longer than it takes to buy gas, which is absurdly overpriced. It’s windy, dusty, boring, hot, and freezing, all on the same afternoon. Sheep are nervous. Keep your windows up and do not make eye contact with the natives; they are all armed.

    Better yet, be smart and take the long way around through Colorado or Montana.

  21. Russell says:

    I lived in Southern Wyoming for 25 years and it sucks really bad. There are some good people but most of them are the ones who also hate it and want out. The people who are proud of it are usually close minded untraveled retards.

  22. Lucky Lambdin says:

    Whenever people ask me, “How do you like living in Wyoming (northeastern)?” I always answer, “Oh, it’s awful…very ugly scenery, the people are rude & unfriendly, there’s nothing to do here…you wouldn’t like it here at all.” I’d like to think that I’m part of the reason our population is so low.

  23. Melanie Lynx says:

    Absolutely true, Lucky. No reason in the world to live in Wyoming. Even a brief visit to the state might result in one becoming a “close minded untraveled retard.” Danger! Danger! Keep car windows up and only breath air that was bottled back home, wherever that may be.

  24. Matt says:

    I think Wyoming should be required to post apologies on all their welcome signs. I visit to go pick up my son. His mom was stupid enough to move there. Wyoming……home of failed dreams and under achievers.

  25. Melanie Lynx says:

    Better yet, abolish welcome signs completely. Be sure and keep those windows rolled up, Matt, and for extra safety, hold your breath until you cross the border again. The miasma of failed dreams is particularly bad this time of year and the underachievers will getcha if ya don’t watch out.

  26. Herr Heiter says:

    only downside i see is the whole state is like one big small town. oh and also too many christian fundamentalist losers.

  27. Anna Floren says:

    Hahaahaha well I was looking for some insight on the people of Wyoming, and I got a good glimpse and a good laugh. Lol thanks!!!

  28. Brandy says:

    Due to prices in Colorado my husband wants to move me to Cheyenne, WY. His job has relocated in CO. After doing much research on Wyoming, from here in Arkansas, I’d rather cut my own neck open & bleed out. Why the hell would I want to move from a gorgeous state to a shit hole prone to extremely dangerous flooding, too many damn titty bars, dirt roads, roads that aren’t maintained through shitty weather, subdivision living right on top of each other, no real trees to speak of. I enjoy a certain quality of life in Arkansas that Wyoming can’t even come close to. Knowing I & my husband would be driving past whore houses on our daily commutes is sickening. I don’t give two shits what anyone says strip clubs of any kind are degrading & demoralizing shit this world can do without. We all know what goes on in those types of shit holes & it is in fact a whore house when it comes down to it. Assholes building those shit holes in view, close to churches & businesses is inexcusable.

    I’ve lived in Louisiana, New York, Arkansas in my 42 years of life. The thought of moving to Wyoming is just sickening after reading about it for a week now. When the shit does actually hit the fan people in Arkansas can survive off the land alone, tons of caves to dwell in, enormous amounts of real trees, waterfalls, abundant bodies of water, wildlife, awesome fishing & hunting, rolling hills covered in a vast array of lush trees. Subdivisions should be bombed until there is a huge hole. I do not like living next to people. My home is my safe zone where no one is welcome unless invited. I don’t like being in my yard gardening with neighbors wanting to chat, stare & comment. Running in the house swiftly to avoid communication with neighbors. I like my privacy in my safe zone. Thanks for posting this! Really appreciate someone with an honest opinion without trying to sugar coat it.

    • nb says:

      You’re stupid.

    • Melanie Lynx says:

      Oh, thank GOD you’ve seen the light and will not be moving here, Brandy. That is some of the best news I’ve had all day. Please know that I will add you to my prayers and beseech the good lord to change your husband’s mind and keep you in Arkansas where you belong. I’m from that lovely state myself. Please say hello to the ticks, chiggers, copperheads, Church of Christ, and tornadoes for me. 😉

  29. Linda McCormick says:

    I’ve lived in Wyoming. If you aren’t strongly religious or an oil field worker/family, be prepared to live VERY independently from other people. If you judge each state mostly by the type of people in it, you will be disappointed by every state in the union. Be independent, take care of your family and enjoy what are the high points of where you live.

  30. Matt Kessler says:

    so I guess you are more of a dog type person…mushy cacti

  31. Matt Kessler says:

    where is the wine….

  32. Camille says:

    Come to East Tn. You’ll find out Wyoming is great. Be ready to be called honey darling and dear. It’s a Southern thing. Youins is also a new word. Part of Appalachian talk. People are different all across the country with different backgrounds. I think you we’re a bit hard on Wyoming. Sounds perfect to me. No neighbors and few trees due to my severe allergy. Hope you find a happy home.

    • T says:

      I love Wyoming! Lived in eastern Idaho for years and ever chance i got I would head to Jackson or alpine! The people are amazing no one will steal your things, your broken down no problem, need something fixed. I have found them to be genuine, kind and actually very positive people with realistic expectations! The scenery in northwestern Wyoming is the most beautiful and peaceful places on earth!
      My uncle lives in buffalo another small, but totally kick ass towns! The occidental hotel is a true gem!
      Once I am finished with my physicians assistant program, I could only dream to serve a community as deserving and with world class sking, rafting, climbing and the best place in the world to ride off into the sunset!

  33. Randall W Chesterton says:

    I think Mark Knopler says it best:

    “What we have here is a dunghole place, thought it was fly shit on the map.”

    Wyoming sucks! All you people who have just passed through or visited the nicer areas like Jackson Hole, STFU, I lived in the state for several years in a not so scenic town in Eastern Wyoming, and believe me 90 per cent of the state is a shithole.

    Don’t believe me, move there and find out for yourself.

    • Melanie Lynx says:

      Oh, no! DON’T MOVE HERE! Take Randal’s word for it. Terrible place. Terrible place! Stay where you are and keep Randall with you. 🙂

  34. Bynameis says:

    Sorry lady but this was an idiot post that only you believe is funny. There are poor and uneducated people everywhere, even in large crowded cities. So obvious. WY is big sky country, wide open spaces, ranching and nature. When you live in a place with limited natural resouces naturally there won’t be a lot of cities built around it. I think less snark and more paying attention to the beauty when on one of your road trips would be a better use of your intellect. Travel in general makes one appreciate what they have and how very spoiled most of us are.

    • Melanie Lynx says:

      Ix-nay on the positive advertising, Bynameis. The fewer people who are enchanted by Wyoming, the more open spaces that will be left for the rest of us.

      • Madonna says:

        Wow. How selfish of you. Want the whole state to yourself huh. You are aware that there are billions of people on the planet.

        • Melanie Lynx says:

          Oh, hell, yeah. Wyoming people are also selfish in addition to all the other negative characteristics listed here. Avoid us, by all means.

          • Madonna says:

            yeah but you and your fellow citizens sure lap up those tourism dollars don’t you? if it weren’t for tourism your state would cease to exist as you know it between oil booms. one half would be ceded to Montana and the other to Colorado. we should call this the ‘Wyoming Paradox.’ Get out of our state, but only after you spend lots of money

  35. M.jones says:

    Im passing through wyoming now on i80. Everytime i pass through here,a part of me dies inside. I bet the suicide rate is high here. Do people really think hmmmm im tired of the nice weather and trees, i wanna move to a place where the wind is blowing year round, a place where you look out and see no trees. Nothing but a desolate wasteland. Looks like the moon. If i had to live here i would shoot myself. Sad thing is i gotta come back across here tommorow

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s