I was pondering the other day about hypocritical religious nutcase politicians, and how, if one is going to ‘live biblically’, that it makes little sense to cherry-pick pieces that fit with your public image and encourage the persecution of others, and ignore the rest. Political hypocrisy aside, however, I started thinking. If, as many claim, the Bible has so much to say about the practical running of our lives 2000 years later, then perhaps it has something to say about what I know all of you guys are concerned about – landing the babes. As it turns out, it does! So fellas, here are some Bible-approved ways you can snag a wife. You can thank me later.
1. MARRY A CAPTIVE WOMAN.
“Suppose you see among the captives a beautiful woman whom you desire and want to marry, and so you bring her home to your house: she shall shave her head, pare her nails, discard her captive’s garb, and shall remain in your house a full month, mourning for her father and mother, after that you may go into her and be her husband, and she shall be your wife.” — Deuteronomy 21:11-13
So if you happen to see a slave girl you fancy, bring her on home and she’ll shave her head for you. Bald chicks in mourning rock. I love where it says “go INTO her.” But if hairless and sad doesn’t float your boat, you can…
2. MARRY A WHORE.
“When the Lord first spoke through Hosea, the Lord said to Hosea, “Go, take for yourself a wife of whoredom and have children of whoredom, for the land commits great whoredom by forsaking the Lord. So he went and took Gomer daughter of Diblaim, and she conceived and bore him a son.” — Hosea 1:2-3
Now this is an appealing idea. Other than the whole “having a wife named GOMER” thing, of course. Not into the whores either?
3. FIND A MAN WITH SEVEN DAUGHTERS, AND THEN IMPRESS HIM.
“The priest of Midian had seven daughters. They came to draw water, and filled the troughs to water their father’s flock. But some shepherds came and drove them away. Moses got up and came to their defense and watered their flock. When the father found out what Moses had done, he told his daughters to invite him to break bread. Moses agreed to stay with the man, and he gave Moses his daughter Zipporah in marriage.” — Exodus 2:16-21
That’s all you have to do, fellas! Too shy to impress seven women at once and also their father? You could always…
4. BECOME THE EMPEROR OF A HUGE NATION AND THEN HOLD A BEAUTY CONTEST.
“And let the King appoint commissioners in all the provinces of his kingdom to gather all of the beautiful young virgins to the harem in the citadel of Susa under custody of Hegai, the King’s eunuch, who is in charge of the women; let their cosmetic treatments be given them. And let the girl who pleases the king be queen instead of Vashti. This pleased the king and he did so.” — Esther 2:3-4
Okay, so this one is a little harder to pull off. Not everyone can be king of a huge kingdom. But the payoff, you have to admit, is frickin’ sweet. Beautiful young virgins vying to please you, and a eunuch servant! Sign me up! But if you’re not able to pull off ruling a kingdom, you can…
5. JUST GIVE THE FUCK UP, ALREADY. WIVES ARE BOGUS, ANYWAY.
“I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the affairs of the Lord; but the married man is anxious about the affairs of the world, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided….So then, he who marries his fiancee does well, and he who refrains from marriage will do better.” — 1 Corinthians 7:32-38
So you see, next time you have some woman begging you to get married and whatnot, you can tell her “Baby, it would piss off God if I got married. You wouldn’t want that, would you? Well, would you?” It’s a perfect setup.
There you have it fellas. Now go forth and multiply.