How I Almost Got My Ass Kicked by a Drunk Pregnant Woman

Everyone has days where they’d like to beat an ass for no good reason. Hell, most of the days I spend at work, I leave at the end of the day feeling like I could whoop somebody just because I’m grumpy and they probably have it coming. I’ll freely admit that I myself have it coming a good deal of the time. I’m obnoxious (duh.)

I have been called upon to whoop an ass once or twice. And ordinarily, I am a passive person. Well, not passive, per se. But I’m unlikely to rip your arm off and shove it in your piehole for no good reason. In fact, I have only one or two incidents where I have ever done such a thing; one of which resulted in my being permanently banned from a Fred Meyer (don’t ask. And no, I wasn’t loaded.) Ass that I am, I even got into an argument with a pregnant woman once. Before you judge, I DID NOT decorate a pregnant broad with knuckle prints. That’s just rude. But I’d had a cocktail or two, and I cruise into this funky basement bar with a buddy of mine so he can use the bathroom – one of those joints where the smoke is so thick that you might as well throw your T-shirt out when you get home. Or just never wash it again and christen it your “drinking shirt.” (A bad idea if you ever plan to get laid again.)

So I smooth up to the bar to order, and a pregnant-out-to-here lady is standing at the bar, obviously drunk and swilling scotch on the rocks (a CLASSY drunk pregnant broad?), and smoking a cigar. And if there’s one thing I can’t abide, it’s people fucking up their kids before they’re born. People do enough of that after their kids are born. At least bring ’em into the world with a fighting chance of one day outsmarting your stupid ass and rising above your fetus-abusing station in life. Indignant, I think “Obviously it is my societal obligation to say something!” So I interrupt the conversation she’s trying to have with the slobbering, trucker hat-wearing retard who is leaning his elbow on the bar to remain upright.

Being stupid and selfish doesn’t actually PREVENT you from getting pregnant, but it should.

Me: (in an extremely rude tone) Excuse me, are you aware that drinking while pregnant causes fetal alcohol syndrome?

This is the part where It. Was. ON. This broad steps to me, BLOWS SMOKE IN MY FACE, pokes her finger in my chest, and slurs “Mind your own fucking business.” Oh damn, you say. No she didn’t. I tell you, friends, yes she did.

Me: It IS my fucking business! Because one day you’re going to come crying to society when your fucking flippered-ass baby needs our taxes for support!

Yeah, I went there. I actually used the phrase “flippered-ass baby”, which is kind of awesome. So pregnant broad makes like she’s gonna swing at me. At this point I realize two things:

1) This is my fault, and I should have minded my own business. (Yeah, that wasn’t going to happen)

2) Since I can’t in good conscience hit a pregnant woman even if I think she deserves it, I’m about to take a shot, and not the kind that makes me take my pants off in front of crowds.

See, there’s the problem with drinking. You never START OUT the night intending to get socked by a loaded pregnant lady, but occasionally it happens. Lo and behold, however, my friend is now out of the bathroom and we wisely opt to make our hasty exit. So no ass was kicked, mine or otherwise. Which is good. You lose your license to be an obnoxious asshole when you take it as far as swinging at a pregnant woman.

I joke, but the entire affair upset me. Shouldn’t bartenders reserve the right to refuse service to the obviously pregnant? Should I have minded my own business? Is there anything CONSTRUCTIVE one can do in a situation like this? Any more, I know that hospitals can charge you with child abuse if you give birth to a kid who tests positive for drugs, but I’m not sure you can call a pregnant woman out on something she’s doing and have someone do something about it.

About Miz Parker

I'm a musician, writer, web developer and avid reader who maintains two blogs. For Bucket List Book Reviews (formerly Bucket List Media), my goal is to read and review each book on the popular list "1,001 Books to Read Before You Die." This blog is intended to chronicle my experiences and thoughts on each, and share opinions with other bibliophiles. Bucket List Media is a semi-serious blog which is appropriate for all ages. For Live At E's (see the menu), I rant in general about pop culture, life, celebrities, and current events. Live At E's contains foul language and is deliberately offensive. Turn on your sarcasm detector.
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5 Responses to How I Almost Got My Ass Kicked by a Drunk Pregnant Woman

  1. Yeah, unfortunately, I wouldn’t have said something. But, that’s just because I once congratulated a woman on her pregnancy only to be told that she wasn’t pregnant. I felt so horrible that I didn’t a say word. I just turned and walked away.
    So, unless I see a head and two arms hanging out of a woman’s vaginia, I assume they are just fat.
    I agree, however, that she’s a pig.

  2. lilbillybaroo says:

    I walked out of a Bar in Soma one time and was watching a pregnant woman smoking crack right there on the sidewalk. Another female crackhead came running across the street and punched her right in the head. Can’t say I didn’t laugh my ass off, especially when the cops came put in an ambulaance and took her to the hospital.
    In SF they jail you until you give birth to protect the fetus.

  3. FunkIsGoodMusic says:

    Hahahaha, gotta laugh or you’ll cry.
    But I felt awkward as fuck when I walked into my neighborhood liquor store and right after me a heavily-pregnant woman, white, mid-30s, with a young infant too, in a buggy, came in to buy booze. With an open can of beer in her hand, too.
    She looked at me, and stated: “It’s nearly due, so I’m drinking even more than usual!”
    She was ever so nice in demeanor, but complete victim vibe, like contraception wasn’t invented yet in her world. She insisted on buying me a beer, and I let her! Plus (in semi-shock) lent her a sympathetic ear for a few minutes… as I didn’t want to be rude on top of all the shit she had going on. But damn…
    My Mum is a complete PITA (probable Autistic Spectrum like me, yet in denial and aggressive about it, too) but I can forgive her somewhat when I see shit like that.

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