People are insane. I’m walking into the bank today and this man is standing outside the bank, shouting into his cell phone. I don’t understand why people want to shout into their cell phones in public and then act like you shouldn’t have overheard, but I digress. This guy is yelling (okay, maybe not so much yelling, but talking VERY loudly) the following:
“Honey…no! Honey…are you out of your fucking mind? Honey, Jesus. No, I…No! No…honey! Oh, for fuck’s sakes!” He hangs up on her, or her him. He catches me looking at him and I say “Hello….” kind of nervously. He shakes his head at me and says “It’s a good thing she’s fucking hot.”
I burst out laughing and, when done at the bank, call my brother to regale him with the tale of this fine event. Now, my penchant for making an ass of myself is really only rivaled closely by my brother’s. Seriously. The guy tazed himself once. But that’s another story. I love my bro, but he tends not to give a rat’s ass what is socially acceptable.
So I relate the story, and he’s laughing, and I said “I’ve gotten off the phone a time or two with a guy I was seeing, thinking to myself that it was lucky for him he was fucking hot.” Bro says “Not me. I’ve never been on more than one date with a woman I thought was retarded.” Well, as we all know, that’s a bold statement. I said “I’m not saying ‘rides the short bus’ stupid, but surely you’ve dated women who are out of their minds, or at least kind of dingbats.” He says “Nope. I have occasionally had conversations with stupid women in the hopes that I will get laid, but I have never gotten involved with one.” Feeling like this is a serious raft of bullshit, I quiz him about the ex-girlfriends he’s had that I’m familiar with. Lo and behold, he’s charitable about each one. Phenomenal. I’m slightly less charitable about the dullard exes I’ve had. The following conversation ensues:
Me: Yeah, hot will work for you for about an hour and a half.
Bro: Two hours, if you’re at the movies and don’t have to talk.
Me: Yeah, I didn’t think about that! After that first hour or so though, you’d better either have big boobs or a big cock. (Yeah, I’m a great example to young girls everywhere.)
Bro: Fuck that. Ten minutes. After ten minutes with your retarded ass, if I’m not getting laid, I’m out. And if I DO get laid, I’m out directly afterwards.
Me: Ignoring the fact that it’s ridiculous and unsafe to sleep with someone you’ve known for ten minutes, I suppose you’ve done this.
Bro: Yeah. I was out drinking with my bros once and talking to this girl, and she has one of those really annoying high voices, and is clearly a complete moron, and I can’t even stand talking to her, even though I know if I last another ten minutes or so, I’m totally getting laid.
Me: See, I thought that guys would put up with any amount of annoying if it meant they would get laid.
Bro: It’s a popular myth.
Me: So what happened? Did you get laid?
Bro: Fuck no! My buddy Dave came to rescue me. He says “T, it’s time to go to another bar.” And this chick says “Ooh, where are you going? I’ll come with you!” I said “There really isn’t room in the car.” She says “I have my car. I’ll follow you and you can ride with me.” I say “No, that’s okay, it’s kind of a guy’s night out.” And she’s so stupid that she doesn’t know that if a guy is into you, he will sell his boys down the river for a shot at being with you, and his boys will understand. And she says “Are you sure?” I say “Yeah, I’m sure.” She whines “Why can’t I just meet you there?” I snap and say “Because you’re horrendously annoying, mildly retarded, and just BARELY hot enough for me to justify having spoken to you for even the last ten minutes.”
Me: (laughing my ass off) You did NOT say that to her.
Bro: Yeah, I did. Sue me, I was drunk. And Dave is pissing himself, right? So she gives me the “you’re a horrid asshole” look, and we leave.
Me: I’m surprised, if she’s that dumb, that she could muster up a proper “you’re a horrid asshole” look. The best I can picture is the “kicked puppy” look.
Bro: I can’t be sure it was that look. It COULD have been the “Oh man, I’m not as hot as I thought I was” look.
Me: You’re fucking rotten.
Bro: I know. The ladies love my ass.
|Sarah Palin is the trifecta: Hot, stupid, AND batshit insane.|