Yesterday, I was thinking about ideas for television shows. The current situation on television is so dire (see what I did there? Jersey Shore reference, anyone?) that my ideas couldn’t possibly be any worse than what’s already on, so here are some ideas for shows I’d actually watch. Y’know, if there was nothing else on.
The easiest idea for a television show would be to create a spinoff of an already successful show. I like the television show “Dexter.” It’s about a serial killer who only kills other serial killers. So I started thinking that you could have a spinoff about a serial rapist that only rapes other rapists. That’d be sweet, right? Or a serial arsonist who burns down the houses of other arsonists. Or a combined spinoff of Dexter and Robin Hood where you have a serial burglar who only burgles other burglars’ houses (say THAT sentence three times fast), and gives the stuff he stole to people who had their stuff stolen. Eventually, you could have a show called “Dexter’s Justice League”, where all of the serial criminals who victimize other criminals band together in the name of an eye for an eye.
Another show you could totally spin off even more without anyone noticing is the “Law and Order” franchise. They already have the original, one geared around sex crimes, and one geared around violent crimes. You could have “Law and Order: Madoff Style”, which centers around white-collar non-violent crime. Or “Law and Order: Wife Beaters”, which centers around domestic violence. Or “Law and Order: Traffic Violations.” Okay, maybe not that last one.
You could trade on the inexplicable popularity of shows like “Trading Spouses” and “Wife Swap” with shows about trading other people in your life. I’d watch “Boss Swap.” Watch, as these two bosses are thrust into running business they don’t know anything about! Wacky shenanigans and hijinks ensue! Or how about “Trading Grandpas”? Or “God Swap”, where two families with opposing religious beliefs have to become practicing members of the other family’s religion for a month?
My favorite idea, however, is a show I’d call “Social Niceties.” I’m picturing a cross between candid camera, a game show, and Jackass without the stunts. The premise is this – most people know how to act right in public, and do so without thinking too much about it. I’d create a show where the contestants purposely violate social norms, and compete for money based on how long it takes someone to call/cuss them out (worth $), punch them in the face (worth $$), or go completely apeshit ($$$.) If the victim maintains decorum, the contestant loses and the victim wins. The best part is coming up with violations of polite social code, ranging from mildly disturbing to completely unforgivable.
|Interestingly, when I image-Googled “Violating Social Norms”, this is the picture that came up. Now, all I can think about is sexually assaulting poor Mr. Peterson.|
– Farting in a crowded elevator. Taking it up a notch by exclaiming “Whooo-y!” and waving your hands behind you.
– Asking women their age and/or weight.
– Telling strangers offensive and/or racist jokes.
– Clipping your toenails on the bus.
– Mowing your front lawn in a Speedo. Then mowing your neighbor’s lawn.
– Remarking to people that their kids/spouse/etc. are ugly.
– Smelling others.
– Taking your own fork to a restaurant and insisting on tasting from everyone else’s plate before you order.
– Seeing a smudge on a stranger’s face, then licking your thumb and rubbing it off for them.
– Cracking open a beer in church.
– Loudly discussing your latest grotesque medical procedure in public.
– Walking around a public place with an extremely apparent erection.
– Wearing a Hitler mustache.
– Posing as a Wal-Mart cashier and loudly commenting on people’s purchases. Particularly if the purchaser is overweight and buying junk food.
– Visiting the produce section of the supermarket, and conspicuously sniffing and licking all of the fruit as you are choosing it. Put back the ones that didn’t “pass.”
– Posing as a Jehovah’s Witness and knocking on someone’s door, then asking to use their bathroom. Loudly take a shit with the door open as you tell them about Jesus.