This is a re-worked re-post from my old blog. There are a couple of outdated references (My Humps, Paris Hilton), but lo and behold, I still think that all of these things are stupid, so here you go.
I don’t know what my problem is today. I’ve often said that they should put me in charge of the whole country for a month, and I’d get this whole thing straightened out, God dammit! The thing is, that would probably never work. And here’s why. I’m pretty much a liberal independent who leans toward fiscal conservativism, but I would be a complete fascist dictator if you put me in charge, because I have pretty much ZERO tolerance for stupidity. Most people at this point would be going “Ha ha, right…stupid people suck…” but here’s the thing: people who are stupid often don’t even know that they are, in fact, stupid.
A short list of things today that have made me think to myself “Oh jeez, that’s fucking stupid.”: (yes, JUST today so far. And it’s only noon. This may be a personal best.)
1. People who ask me to do something “ASAP.” I do EVERYTHING as soon as I possibly can, at least from a work standpoint. What would be my motivation for sitting on something until you get so impatient that you have to ask for it? My main motivation is not to get yelled at or fired, which includes, oh I don’t know, DOING MY FUCKING JOB. Hey, how about this? If you ask me to do something, provide a deadline. I’ll have it for you by whatever deadline you set. I swear, if people continue to send me ambiguous crap that not only contains no deadline, but no information, and no research completed on it, and demand it “ASAP”, I’m going to send them a smack-o-gram. Note to self: “Smack-o-gram” might be a really entertaining business idea. Who doesn’t want to hire a guy to go over to someone’s house and smack them? I can think of a lot of people who deserve that. Maybe I could make the guy wear a gorilla suit or something. Or maybe I could hire Andy Dick. Getting smacked down by Andy Dick carries the added hilarity of being really humiliating. Plus, he could probably use the money.
|It’s expensive to be this wacky.|
2. That idiot that’s getting so much attention locally because he’s starving himself “until abortion is outlawed.” I’ve got news for you buddy, taking your own life in a really stupid manner doesn’t exactly scream “I’m pro-life.” It’s his 52nd day of nothing but water and salt tablets. He’s so weak now that he’s having to use a wheelchair, and his doctor has apparently informed him that his “life is in danger.” No shit. Let’s see, what do I need. Hmm. Air, check. Water, check. Food? Aw, jeez! It’s like third on the list! Moreover, the guy has 16 kids. 16! I’m surprised he didn’t starve to death forty years ago when he was trying to feed a family of 18. Fuck that guy! What makes it even stupider is how much attention we’re paying to this maroon. I’m all about peaceful protest, but there is a line.
3. People who name all of their kids starting with the same letter of the alphabet. It’s not cute and funny, it’s cheesy and sad. Especially when people pick an obscure letter and then have so many kids that they can’t think of a good name with that initial anymore, and they end up sticking the last couple of kids with really stupid names. You know who you are if you do this. And yeah, it’s stupid.
4. People who merge onto the freeway going about 35 miles per hour. It’s called “merging” because you’re supposed to seamlessly fit in with the existing traffic; not hold it up for an excruciating amount of time while you get up to speed, assuming, of course, that you have any intention of actually driving the posted speed. I swear to God, this is why my brake pads are wearing out. Because I have to hit them 56,000 times a day on what SHOULD be a relatively painless freeway commute. How hard is it to drive at a consistent speed on a straight stretch of road? Smack-o-grams for all of you. Actually, this one makes me want to mount a canon on the roof of my car and if you’re guilty, BOOM. I’m just gonna blow you away. Only I’d need not so much a canon, as some sort of vaporization device. Because that way I wouldn’t have to run over your stupid wreckage.
5. Female celebrities who are only really famous for being dirty, dirty tramps. I’m looking right at you, Paris Hilton. I don’t know why she pisses me off so much, honestly. Apparently there’s a professional Paris Hilton lookalike with her own talk show. So, let me get this straight: not only is the heiress herself one of the most vapid, useless, stupid, selfish tramps EVER, but there’s a person out there that actually makes a living acting just like her? A cheap knockoff of something that’s already cheap? And useless? Apparently real Paris may have plans to appear on fake Paris’s TV show. And you know what I hope happens? I hope that the sheer uselessness of both of them actually occupying the same room causes a rip in the fabric of the universe as we know it, and they both get sucked in.
This is my cat, who is being threatened with a lawsuit:
|Jake’s a pretty kitty! Yes she is! Yes she is! (Okay, I’m done.)|
Jake the Cat, as a matter of fact. She’s a girl. Yes, I have a girl cat named Jake. She used to be one half of a two-cat team; the other cat being Elwood. My ex-roommate ended up with Elwood, so now I just have a girl cat named Jake. The ex-roommate once told me that Elwood has developed a horrendous weight and gas problem, so I think I ended up with the better end of that deal.
I realize that it stretches the limits of credulity that my cat is being threatened with a lawsuit, but the story is actually quite entertaining. I took my cat to the vet once, and the vet, when they sent my bill, addressed it to the cat. I have a cousin with the same name as my cat, and I seriously thought I was getting his mail by mistake. Hence:
6. Vets who address their communication to the animal being treated. Last time I checked, cats don’t carry wallets or checkbooks and would thus be rendered unable to pay such a bill. Unless the animal wears pants and, in fact, carries their own money, don’t address bills to them. Which reminds me:
7. People who force animals to wear pants.
|This dog is biding its time until it can kill and eat whomever is responsible for those pants.|
My mom doesn’t really believe in naming animals people names, and maybe that’s why. It wouldn’t have created nearly so much confusion if the bill had been addressed to Fluffy, Rover, or Miss Kitty.
8. People who name their cats things like “Miss Kitty.”
So I started thinking to myself, if my cat can receive unsolicited mail, perhaps she can solicit mail. So Jake joined a DVD club. (She has excellent taste, by the way.) All was just fine and dandy (and I took the liberty of paying her bills for her) until I moved out of my apartment about eight months ago. Like most people who move, I had my mail forwarded to my new address, but Silly Me! I neglected to forward my cat’s mail to my new address. So, presumably, the DVD club continued to send mail to my cat, and the new tenant either didn’t send back the little cards, ignored them, or is keeping the DVDs, because this club has finally located my cat and sent her a bill with a not-so-kindly threat of legal action.
This morning, I informed Jake that she’ll be sued if she doesn’t pay her bill. She seemed unimpressed.
9. Morning radio shows. When my alarm went off, the first sentence that made it into my head as I trundled off to the shower was “How the hell is a homeless man supposed to cook a lamb?” It reminds me of that Lewis Black bit where he’s talking about how sometimes you hear something that’s so incredibly stupid that your brain explodes because you can’t get it out. (“If it weren’t for my horse, I would never have spent that year in college.”) I’m serious folks, I thought about that sentence for my entire shower. Why does a homeless man NEED to roast a lamb? Is he running a gyro stand? And how come you never hear about people roasting sheep? Do sheep somehow become inedible (but somehow fuckable, see next item), after they grow up? You’re always hearing about roast lamb, and people kidnapping sheep, but never the opposite. Why? The next thing I heard on the radio after exiting the shower was “Haw haw! Talk about being in the zone!” And I’m thinking “Are they still talking about the homeless guy? Does one need to be ‘in the zone’ to roast a lamb?” Seriously, if most people are as incoherent as me in the mornings, we should do away with morning shows. Because they’ll only confuse you.
10. The guy who attempted to kidnap a sheep from the zoo. This is both stupid and hilarious, and may or may not be related to the hypothetical homeless lamb-roaster above. It seems that an “obviously homeless” man was seen leaving the zoo, carrying a plastic trash can with a sheep in it. He was stopped by zoo security, who asked, “Where are you going with that sheep?” Whereupon our hero apparently channels Jon Lovitz’s character “The Liar” from Saturday Night Live, and says “What sheep?” Well, the sheep that you have there in that trash can. “Oh, this sheep. Well, you see, I am this sheep’s doctor. Yeah, that’s the ticket. This sheep is very sick.” Why one would kidnap a sheep by carrying him/her away in a trash can is beyond me, but then to claim to be a doctor is just awesome. But seriously, what the hell is people’s fascination with sheep? Maybe he was going to cook it, but that would violate my theory of sheep/lamb cookability/attractiveness.
11. That Black Eyed Peas song, “My Humps.” Seriously, people should shove this song up their asses. It pisses me off. Worse, there’s no escaping it. And it’s also another reason why morning shows should be outlawed. As I’m driving to work today, I actually spent about three minutes devoting my thoughts to how much I hate this song. So I decided to flip on the radio again, and just before I did, I thought to myself “ha ha, it would be totally ironic if that song was playing, because I was just thinking about it.” And you know what? It wasn’t. It was that guy on the Bob and Tom show that calls in and impersonates Morgan Freeman. So I’m listening to that, and I hear “Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk…” ARGH!!! If there’s anything more disturbing and annoying than that song as it is, it’s a Morgan Freeman impersonator singing it.
Of course, there’s a whole host of things that I don’t even care enough about to really muster up a lot of disgust toward. But that’s another story.
“I suppose I could riff a list of things that I care as little about as our last week. Let’s see… low carb diets, Michael Moore, the Republican National Convention, Kabbalah & all Kabbalah-related products, Hi-Def TV, the Bush daughters, wireless hotspots, the OC, the UN, recycling, getting Punk’d, Danny Gans, the Latin Grammys, the real Grammys, Jeff that Wiggle that sleeps too darn much, the Yankees payroll, all the red states, all the blue states, every hybrid car, every talk show, everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, everything, everything, everything, everything, everything, everything every-everything that exists past present & future, in discovered and undiscovered dimensions! Oh, and Hugh Jackman.”
Stay tuned for my next blog, which will be entitled “Why I Think Bisexuality Is A Crock.” And before I get pre-emptive hate mail on this one, I do have a theory that supports this. That’s right, folks. Old Miz Parker has thought this one through. Of course, I also think that British Humor is a crock. Feel free to send me hate mail on that one. I don’t really have a supporting argument for that, other than the fact that I hate Hugh Grant. Who really isn’t funny. I mean seriously, that guy is a wiener.
|Look at me, I’m so British and charmingly befuddled!|