Okay folks, before you get all bent out of shape, I have to point out that it is not my direct intent to disparage “bisexuals” (yes, the quotes are intentional.) This is unlike my other blogs, where it is my complete intent to disparage whatever I happen to be ranting about. I also have to point out that I’m not speaking from a position of a person who hasn’t considered long-term relationships with women, so let’s just get that out of the way right now. Women are beautiful and frankly, generally look better naked than men. Sorry fellas, it’s true. Women are curvy and smooth and men are often lumpy and furry in odd places. From an aesthetic position, I totally get it.
|This is the Dove soap guy, but most dudes over thirty look like some version of him.|
Here’s the thing for me though: As far as relationships with women go, you get the same amount (if often different style) of bullshit from the other person, and….wait for it….NO penis.
So really the bottom line for me is, if I’m going to put up with your shit, you’d better have outdoor plumbing.
Love, on the other hand, is a totally different matter. I think that love is universal, you have little control over who you love, and you’re just as likely to fall in love with a man as a woman. True love knows no genitals! But physically, I really believe you prefer one set of equipment over the other. Which is why bisexuality, as a concept, doesn’t work for me.
I think that all of us, if we’re going to admit it, have had at least one nonsexual same-sex crush on someone. Usually someone we look up to, probably. I understand homosexuality. Some of us prefer the gear we happen to have been given, to put it in a very small nutshell. I’ve even known several gay men who enjoy sleeping with the occasional woman, or vice versa, but none of those people would tell you that they were “bi.” In fact, I’m willing to bet that, same-sex crushes aside, any physical foray into hoo-ha land (if you’re a straight woman) or into knob land (if you’re a straight man) involved one of two things:
1) An agenda.
Be it emotional, in order to satisfy your curiosity, to please a partner who wants you to do it, etc. Look deep enough, you can always find an agenda. Seriously. Stop and think. You’d really rather either fuck boys or fuck girls. You’re not ambivalent about either, so don’t try and tell me you are. I’ve even considered the possibility that “bisexual” is a shorter catch-all phrase for any level of “I’m primarily gay/straight, but I enjoy the occasional odd trip to the dark side.” And if that’s the truth, just say it that way.
2) A blood alcohol content that clocks you in at about an eight on old Miz Parker’s “Hey, That Ain’t A Bad Idea” scale. (bolded for your pleasure.)
For those of you unfamiliar with my “Hey, That Ain’t A Bad Idea” scale, I will provide you with the following visual outline. The higher the number on the scale, the exponentially more drunk you are. Also, I’ve noticed that men are less likely than women to ‘putt from the rough’ when they’re drunk. You can’t walk into a college bar on a Friday night without seeing two drunk straight chicks making out for the amusement of some guy. Straight guys don’t tend to start groping their buddies for the amusement of women.
|Image-Googling “putt from the rough” inexplicably turned this up.|
*Disclaimer: The following scale is based on my own experiences. Individual entries may differ slightly. Also note that there are many subtle levels between each number.*
MIZ PARKER’S “HEY, THAT AIN’T A BAD IDEA” SCALE:
1. Dead sober.
2. Gee fellas, this has been fun, but I really have to get home.
3. I guess it wouldn’t kill me to drink a shot or two. What is this? A Vulcan Mind Meld? Excellent! But I’m totally leaving after this.
4. Let’s go somewhere else, where there is singing and dancing!
5. Let’s go somewhere else, where there are strippers, caustic purple drinks, and the danger of catching VD from the toilet seats!
6. Wow, that guy is hot. I wonder why he’s wearing pants? I’d better get those for him.
7. I wonder what it’s like to go through a car wash on foot? Mmm, hot wax…
8. Regardless of your gender, sexual orientation, or number of teeth, I have convinced myself that I have a shot at getting you naked, and that this would be an EXCELLENT idea.
9. Let’s all drive to Mexico and get tattoos!
10. How long have I been in this coma?
And that, my friends, is why bisexuality is a crock of shit.
That said, I’m not militant. If you’re bi or at least have a decent argument for why some people are and should be allowed to advertise themselves as such, lay it on me. I am nothing if not open-minded.