Deliver us from Emo

This article was originally published in online magazine Pointless Banter on April 29, 2006.

In the beginning, there was punk. And as the punks were first, it is our God-given right, nay – DUTY – to make fun of the emo kids. Unfamiliar with what an “emo kid” is? I shall tell you. It’s a whiny, depressed, pseudo-punk who is too much of a pussy to be a goth. The eyeliner and black hair dye is similar. Emo kids can often be found biting their pillows, crying, sniveling, buying hair dye, getting their librets pierced, or any places where other tortured pussies hang out. An example of emo pussiness: I was at a punk show once (a band whom I will not name), but their lead singer, despite singing for a hardcore punk band, is notoriously “emo.” Upon leaving the stage, he whined aloud “Oh my God, I feel like I have totally smoked a whole pack of cigarettes just by BREATHING in here. This place is disgusting.” He’s a vegan too. I overheard the continuation of the whining, and it was about the evils of meat. “I can’t even stand to LOOK at meat, it makes me want to puke. I can’t touch meat either. It’s disgusting.” See a pattern here? I wanted to go buy twenty pounds of ground round and leave it in his van. I’m not a huge fan of places that are “disgusting” either, but I don’t whine through my pierced lip about it. And meat doesn’t send me into a hissy fit of “OhMyGod Ewwwwwwww!” when I look at it.

If you’re an emo kid and you’ve gotten through the first paragraph without a crying jag, I will now get to my point. “But E”, you will snivel, you just don’t understand emo! Okay, fair enough. I’ll admit that there is one emo song that doesn’t make me want to stab myself in the eye. It’s Jimmy Eat World’s “The Middle.” I just like that one. And the song isn’t very emo-esque I don’t think, but it counts by virtue of the fact that Jimmy Eat World is widely considered to be an “emo” band. So there, I like an emo song. But I started thinking – do I really just not understand emo? Have I been wrong all along? So I am going to educate some of my less emo readers (read: non-pussies) about what emo is. I originally had nothing to write about here but jokes at emo’s expense (an activity I enjoy thoroughly), but I figured that a whole blog of emo jokes wouldn’t go over all that well. Where is the SUBSTANCE? So I went to a trusted source to educate me on all things emo: Wikipedia. And wouldn’t you know, educating myself about the history of emo only served to reinforce my opinion that they are, indeed, pussies. Here are the facts:

1) Emo is a shorthand version of the word “emocore”, which is a shorthand version of – get this: EMOTIONAL HARDCORE. Great, let’s start a whole movement with an oxymoron and also ruin perfectly good hardcore by crying a lot and wearing thick, black glasses and undersized cardigans. Good one, chief.

2) “The term emo was derived from the fact that, on occasion, members of a band would become spontaneously and literally emotional during performances.” Enough said. I might, on occasion, become spontaneously and literally vomit-spewing.

3) “The so-called “indie emo” scene survived until the late 1990’s, as many of the bands either disbanded or shifted to mainstream styles.” Can you say sellouts? No one can be sad forever, I guess. Emo + Wellbutrin = Rivers Cuomo.

4) The existence of “Screamo.” So now we’ve taken a genre that was weenie, whiny, and irritating to begin with, and instead of sobbing out our little “I’m sad” diatribes, we will now be screaming them at full volume! Poor metaphors aside, kids, no one likes a screaming pussy. Or weiner, for that matter. And oh yes, you are all weiners.

5) Emo is also not to be confused with math rock. Sure, the outfits are similar, but the lyrics tend to be a little less weenie, more wacky. Examples: Weezer, Nerf Herder.

Emo fans, unlike their simpering idols, I have come to find out are vicious animals, vehement in their defense of our unalienable right to whine to discordant music. Consider the letter that my friend Kevin got (yes, I’m stealing from his blog) after he insulted apparent Gods of all things emo, Fallout Boy. This is an example of why it’s a good deal that emo kids probably don’t get laid a lot. They shouldn’t be breeding.

regaurding yuor fall out boy sucks blog
and how you said pete wentz
shouldn’t even be big
becasue hes not the singer
well he does back up vocals
and he snag in his last band
and his voice is much better then patricks
and pete also can sream like none can

so i think
you need to shut
your mouth unless
you know what the
hell your talking bout
becasue you thnk you have
done your resarch
but you haven’t
there an amazing band
with a long story
and im sure that
you would’t like it
if you were in a band
and you were the foucs[which would never happen]
and everyone thought
he sucks
and has no tanelt at al.

so stfu.

Okay, first off, it’s written like poetry. Ooooh, how emo! I can’t even hate you without hating you in prosey stanzas. Holy fuck, that was a haiku. I fucking rock at insulting people using poetry. In a nutshell, in case you needed help translating the above letter, this person apparently was quite chagrined to hear Kevin’s comments regarding Fallout Boy, and wished to express his disdain of Kevin himself, disparage his opinion, and point out that if Kevin himself were in a band, he most certainly wouldn’t be a fan of people musing aloud about how much he sucked. “STFU”, from what I can discern, is intended to mean “Shut the fuck up.” Emo kids mock in acronyms. God, I need that on a bumper sticker. So Kevin, whatever you do, don’t continue to make fun of emo bands, because their fans are completely incapable of defending them to any impressive extent or hell, barring being able to attain “impressive”, are even falling far short of even the most laughable standard of literacy. And you wouldn’t want to make emo kids cry.

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