Ramming Speed, Mr. Sulu!

This article originally appeared on sex-kitten.net in their guest room. Must be 18 to visit. It is not pornographic, but adult themes are discussed.

You know how to whistle, don’t you Steve? You just put your lips together and blow…

If there’s one thing I hate, it’s someone who is silent in bed. It’s relatively easy to tell whether or not your partner is enjoying the festivities, but if someone has been goodly enough to get naked with you, they ought to know (loudly and often) that you’re into it. Maybe it is that I am a singer, but I think that some vocal stylings go a long way to let the other person know that hey, you’re doing a great job. I’m turned on. I’m into this. I don’t want to ever mistake my partner for a curiously toasty corpse. Even if it’s just moaning, I want to hear that you’re there with me. If you can’t muster up a couple of good moans, I’ll even take heavy breathing and some creative facial expressions. I’m easy that way.

Most people don’t have a bedroom vocal repertoire that extends too far beyond “Mmmmmm”, and “Oh, that feels SO good.” Or “Yes! Yes!”, “Give it to me!”, or whimpering at varying volume. Just so you know, shouting out His name in bed does NOT constitute going to church. I’m sure that everyone can think back to an occasion when they have said something in bed that didn’t go over particularly well, or when you heard something from someone that you thought, “Huh?!?”

The reason that many people who are perhaps even adventurous in bed aren’t particularly vocal is that they don’t trust themselves not to say something really, really stupid. The bottom line is that human beings should never logically be expected to say anything of intelligence or import during sex, or even really make sense. Have you heard of the naked rule? It’s a rule that some couples have that any commentary made whilst naked is automatically null and void. I think the naked rule has merit. I know that after I’ve had a killer orgasm, if I’m miraculously able to actually form words, they sound approximately like “Urrrrghhhh, hibbidy dibbidy hunh sandwich what?”

Here’s the nuts of the situation, though. Sex is perhaps not emotional or spiritual all of the time, but it certainly always has a mental element. Being turned on is as much in your head as it is in your pants. Everyone has been out with someone that they were attracted to, and then that person opens their mouths and effectively ruins their chances of ever getting you into bed, because something they SAID has ruined the entire mood. Even couples who have been together for a while occasionally say something to one another that is so ridiculous as to disgust the other person. Nobody wants to disgust someone while they’re naked, do they? That’s why it’s safer to keep one’s mouth shut in bed. With that delicate balance between the mental and physical in mind, it’s no wonder that many people err on the safe side with regard to mid-coital chatter.

(This is the part where if you’ve slept with me and said something interesting, I’m going to talk about you. It’s the price you pay for naked time with me.)

I’ve heard a couple of doozies in bed. Some were not worth mentioning and things one should never say to anyone EVER. I’ve probably said things that were not taken in the spirit which they were intended either, although I DO consider myself pretty in tune with others and reasonably sensitive. The point is that what you say in bed can either make or break the sex. Such a Catch-22! Here we have an entire act hinging on mere words, and a complete inability to form intelligible ones. Curses! While a person is naked, though (both literally and metaphorically), what they say offers quite a glimpse into their twisted little minds. I was acquainted with a girl whose partner du jour had once yelled “Mom!” in bed. Yow. I would have had a hard time not walking out on that one. I’d have been more comfortable with a guy who called out his OWN name in bed. (Yeah. Ran into that one too.)

That said, I do try to encourage partners to be vocal in bed. One ex whom I had been with for a while at the time was notoriously quiet. I spoke to him about it OUTSIDE the bedroom while we were just hanging out. His response? “Uhhhh…..what would you want me to say?” I said “It doesn’t matter, just say SOMETHING!” The shit that came out of this man’s mouth after that, you would not believe. It was as if I had opened Pandora’s box and it was filled with loud, filthy gibberish. Not, of course, that some women wouldn’t be into their partners smacking them on the ass and bellowing “Yee-ha, ride me like a cowboy, baby!” I, unfortunately for everyone involved, was neither expecting that particular sentence nor am I into cowboys. I froze, then burst out laughing and snorted (it’s particularly attractive to be laughing so hard you’re crying and snorting while having sex. He was not amused.) He was in fact LESS amused when my wild snorting produced a snot rocket, which hit him squarely in the chest. I am SO fucking punk rock. Good one, me. Very classy. And was anyone else disturbed that he said “Ride me like a cowBOY?” Hmm.

The most awesome thing I’ve ever heard during sex was from a particularly hot (and younger) guy. Mid-festivities, I smiled and purred “You’re awfully quiet, babe….” He grinned at me and blurted out “If I could high-five myself right now, I TOTALLY would!” Taken aback, all I could think to do was high-five him. So I did. Before you go thinking he was fifteen, he wasn’t. He was legally an adult, if mentally a frat boy.

There are four billion things that people should NEVER say in bed, amongst them asking a woman if she came. If you can’t tell, sweetie, she didn’t. And asking ruins it anyway. Why do women lie about having an orgasm? Because men ask us. I digress. That’s not what I intended to talk about. Whatever you happen to say in bed, whether it’s gleefully frat-boy, gay cowboy, or blowing snot rockets, just make sure that the other person just knows you’re into them. That’s really what’s important here. As long as they know you’re enjoying yourself, the mere words are less important. Or are they?

What, one might ask, did the title of this piece have to do with the piece itself? Nothing. It’s just something I’ve always wanted to say during sex.

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